One of the most common topics when people are looking for coaching and counselling sessions is to improve their love life.
Today I would like to share 5 keys for building strong and long-lasting relationships:
1 – You are worthy of being in a happy and healthy relationship
Some people are going through challenges in their personal lives and they start considering not to commit anymore because they are not feeling 100%. The thing is: we will never be 100%. There will always be progress to do, because this is part of human condition. And an important piece of succeeding in a relationship is to understand that you are not perfect and the other person is also not. And making it work is a matter of accepting that. When you work on yourself and you truly embrace the fact that it is OK to be as you are, you’ll notice that others will start accepting you better as well.
2- We are responsible for our own happiness
Another very important point is to stop waiting for a prince or a princess who will make you happy. We are responsible for our own happiness, and this happiness comes from within. When you believe that your partner is responsible for making you happy, he or she will feel it, even if you don't say it out loud. And this will never work because your own happiness can only be found within you. If you make someone responsible for something they cannot give you, you both will end up disappointed and frustrated.
3 - Respect your partner by seeing him/her as an equal
I will explain this one with one example: let's say that Alex is going through a challenging phase in his life. Because he is not feeling so good, he feels that it is not fair to remain with his girlfriend, once she is so committed and deserves someone who can give it all. By making the decision of breaking up with her for this reason, he is assuming that he knows what is best for her. And in other words, he is also assuming that he can make a better decision than her.
This is one of the biggest reasons why many relationships deteriorate.
It is very important to start seeing and respecting the other as an equal.
Coming back to our example: Alex can be honest with his girlfriend about where he is and what he can offer to the relationship at the moment. Then he gives her the freedom and space to choose what she wants. He respects her as equal when he trusts that she is capable of choosing the best for her.
4 - We make progress as partners by being in a relationship
Sometimes when a relationship presents challenges you may start thinking that you need some time to be alone and to work on yourself. This can indeed help for a while because when we step aside from your emotions you can see things from perspective and to gain some clarity regarding what was really going on. At the same time, learning the theory can help only until certain point. It is one thing to think about what is a good behavior in a certain situation and another very different thing is to do what you need to do when you are in the middle of a challenge in your relationship, where mind, emotions, needs, and physical reactions come together. The truth is: we learn by doing it. It is like riding a bike or a car. You can learn about how the theory works but you will master the skill by practicing it.
In other words: if you really want to succeed in a relationship at some point you will need to be in relationship again. And this time it is important to be very present and mindful to prevent the same errors from happening.
5 - Choose someone that is going on the same direction as you and with similar core values
Even though we are responsible for our own happiness, a relationship is more likely to succeed when both parties are going on the same direction.
Let’s take an example: if one person wants to have children and the other one doesn't, at some point one of them will have to give up on what he/she really wants to remain together. And if we really value inner growth and satisfaction in life, we cannot give up on ourselves.
So be clear about where you are willing to go and invest on getting to know each other. With deep, open and honest conversations it will become more clear for both of you if the relationship is worth the investment.
And to explain about the importance of being with someone who shares the same values as you, I’ll quote T. Harv Eker: “How you do anything is how you do everything”.
Being in a long-lasting relationship is about sharing a lot of small moments from the day-to-day life. If you are with someone that has similar core values, you will admire and strengthen your bond by watching each other in the little things in life. And it will be much easier to find common ground in the big decisions you will have to make together in the life ahead.